What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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