Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
