haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we're making bets on your personal life
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
