I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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