So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
