I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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