I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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