Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize