I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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