dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
