he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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