Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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