even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
