ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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