there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
