i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
