I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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