Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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