Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize