I hope mine doesn't look like that
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
