My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
