why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
