I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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