I wish my penis had an off switch
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
