I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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