Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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