a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
