here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
