I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
two words...techno handjob
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
