fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wanna passion pit in your ass
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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