Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
