We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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