I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
