Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
