Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
