why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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