how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
