I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
