It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
