Princesses don't give blow jobs
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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