So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
