I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
