Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize