Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
