...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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