update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
is wine microwaveable?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize