so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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