Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
