I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
last night I used snow as a chaser
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
