"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
