I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Randomize
