I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
