i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Houston, we have a squirter
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
