so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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