I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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