oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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