I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He better not be in your backpack
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
