yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
