Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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