did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
