Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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