So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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